Rediscovering Joy
Most people who know me will know that the last few years have been pretty tough for me. I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, but about a year ago things got so bad that I had to quit my job, leave my home and friends in London, and move down to Cornwall to live with my parents. There I found rest, and learned how to function again. I got to escape the constant striving and pressure of living and working in London, and just enjoy the company of my wonderful family. But though I found rest, and even contentment, all was not well with me when I left to come to New Zealand. I had put so much of myself and my future hopes into being a nurse, and the career that I had envisioned for myself, that when that started to crumble away I was left feeling bereft and directionless. My self worth was at an all time low, and I was looking for something else to validate myself and give me a sense of identity, maybe being the girl that has exciting adventures and blogs about travelling and saving the world could fill that hole? Truth be told, my life felt pointless, and before I left I made a secret vow to God that, if something didn't change, I was ready to give up on living altogether. Luckily for me, He was listening, and He wasn't about to give up on my life.
I imagine for many of you reading this, what I've been doing in New Zealand over the last couple of months has been a bit of a mystery. That is partly because when I left I didn't entirely know what I was signing up for, but I confess that in many conversations I downplayed the God part in favour of the going to give medical aid in the Pacific Islands. Because that sounds a lot cooler, doesn't it? The truth is, though, I came to New Zealand looking for God. I've called myself a Christian for the past 11 years, and through that time I've always had a faith, but in recent years it had grown stale and become something I fell back on whenever I needed something. My perception of God had dried up too, in my mind He had become a fun-sucker, someone whose standards I could never possibly live up to. I hadn't heard His voice for so long I'd forgotten what it sounds like. And yet I remembered that the last time I had truly felt joy was when I was pursuing Him - I had tried all of the other ways the world tells you you can find fulfillment and happiness and found that in the end they still left me feeling empty. Deep inside I was longing for something more, so I decided, as a last ditch attempt to find meaning, to put myself in a place where, if God was interested in my life, He could do something to make it worth living again.
So I came to YWAM in New Zealand to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School), not really knowing what it entailed, but hoping I would meet God here.
Spoiler alert: I did, and He has restored my joy in a way that I didn't think would ever be possible again. So if you're interested to know the story of what's happened to me over the past few weeks, keep reading!
On our first week of school we did something called life stories, where, as the name suggests, all of us (29) students shared the stories of our lives so far. This wasn't a simple get to know you exercise though, we were encouraged to go deep and really share the things that have shaped us, hurt us, our struggles and even things we were ashamed of. I told this group of near-strangers things about me that I hadn't told anyone before, and was met with total love and acceptance. It was so healing for me to speak about all of the things I had pushed deep down and not allowed myself to feel. No one judged me, in fact I discovered that many people actually shared the same struggles as me.
That week really set the tone for openness and friendship, and though I hadn't known my new friends here for long, they were already beginning to feel like family. It is so healing to let your walls down and be fully loved and accepted for who you really are, and over the past month or so I have come to understand that this is a reflection of God's love for me. Since I arrived here He has been leading me, ever so gently, towards healing.
At first I was afraid to let it happen, I had suppressed my pain for so long that I knew that to let it out would be extremely messy. I soon learned, though,that people are very ok with mess here, and when I finally allowed myself to let go, God was there to walk with me through the sadness, hurt and grief that I had pushed down for so long. I wept for a long time, and when I stopped God replaced my sadness with what can only be described as supernatural joy. He told me, "the time for mourning is over". Honestly I'd pretty much forgotten what joy feels like, but now I'm just laughing all the time!
Over the last few weeks God has been drawing me back into an intimate relationship with Him, restoring old promises that I'd all but forgotten, and loving me like I never turned my back on Him. That's the amazing thing about God's love; you can't earn it. No matter how much you try to condemn yourself, or call yourself unworthy, He just loves you unconditionally, just as you are. He doesn't say "make yourself perfect, then you can come to me," He says "come to me and I will make you perfect." There's nothing you could do or say to make Him love you any more or less.
Another way that God has brought me restoration is by showing me what my identity really is. I'd always had an underlying feeling that I wasn't good enough, but at the same time was too much for people to actually like me. I'd tried to prove my worth through so many different things; career, relationships, lifestyle... None of it helped. An activity one of our speakers had us do was to make an identity poster by going through magazines and cutting out words and pictures that we felt represented us. Every time I saw a word or phrase that I wished was me I felt the still small voice of God say "cut it out", it turns out the person I've always wished I was was the person He has made me to be!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139
God has made each one of us individually and for a purpose, when we look to find our identity in our Heavenly Father we can be truly satisfied.
It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG
Of course it's something I have to fight to keep, I'm learning more and more here that faith in God, as well as in the healing I've had, is an act of will. I've also learned that with belief in God comes Satan, and that he is real and trying to steal my faith from me whether I want to believe it or not. Spiritual warfare has always seemed like a weird thing to me, but that is exactly how the enemy likes it, that way he can get away with whatever lies he wants me to believe. But he is a defeated enemy, in His death and resurrection Jesus crushed him. He knows his days are numbered and he wants to take as many people as he can down with him. I see all that he stole from me and I am mad about it, I will not allow him to bring me down again. I may not be strong but The One who is within me is, and He promises that He is with me always.
Honestly my heart has been completely captivated by Jesus, and I just want to tell everyone that. I'm not ashamed of Him, but I'm ashamed that I used be ashamed! I know that He forgives me, though, because He is so gracious and merciful. Knowing who God really is has made it so easy to recommit my life to Him, as Peter said, He holds the words of eternal life, where else would I go?
I imagine for many of you reading this, what I've been doing in New Zealand over the last couple of months has been a bit of a mystery. That is partly because when I left I didn't entirely know what I was signing up for, but I confess that in many conversations I downplayed the God part in favour of the going to give medical aid in the Pacific Islands. Because that sounds a lot cooler, doesn't it? The truth is, though, I came to New Zealand looking for God. I've called myself a Christian for the past 11 years, and through that time I've always had a faith, but in recent years it had grown stale and become something I fell back on whenever I needed something. My perception of God had dried up too, in my mind He had become a fun-sucker, someone whose standards I could never possibly live up to. I hadn't heard His voice for so long I'd forgotten what it sounds like. And yet I remembered that the last time I had truly felt joy was when I was pursuing Him - I had tried all of the other ways the world tells you you can find fulfillment and happiness and found that in the end they still left me feeling empty. Deep inside I was longing for something more, so I decided, as a last ditch attempt to find meaning, to put myself in a place where, if God was interested in my life, He could do something to make it worth living again.
So I came to YWAM in New Zealand to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School), not really knowing what it entailed, but hoping I would meet God here.
Spoiler alert: I did, and He has restored my joy in a way that I didn't think would ever be possible again. So if you're interested to know the story of what's happened to me over the past few weeks, keep reading!
On our first week of school we did something called life stories, where, as the name suggests, all of us (29) students shared the stories of our lives so far. This wasn't a simple get to know you exercise though, we were encouraged to go deep and really share the things that have shaped us, hurt us, our struggles and even things we were ashamed of. I told this group of near-strangers things about me that I hadn't told anyone before, and was met with total love and acceptance. It was so healing for me to speak about all of the things I had pushed deep down and not allowed myself to feel. No one judged me, in fact I discovered that many people actually shared the same struggles as me.
That week really set the tone for openness and friendship, and though I hadn't known my new friends here for long, they were already beginning to feel like family. It is so healing to let your walls down and be fully loved and accepted for who you really are, and over the past month or so I have come to understand that this is a reflection of God's love for me. Since I arrived here He has been leading me, ever so gently, towards healing.
At first I was afraid to let it happen, I had suppressed my pain for so long that I knew that to let it out would be extremely messy. I soon learned, though,that people are very ok with mess here, and when I finally allowed myself to let go, God was there to walk with me through the sadness, hurt and grief that I had pushed down for so long. I wept for a long time, and when I stopped God replaced my sadness with what can only be described as supernatural joy. He told me, "the time for mourning is over". Honestly I'd pretty much forgotten what joy feels like, but now I'm just laughing all the time!
Over the last few weeks God has been drawing me back into an intimate relationship with Him, restoring old promises that I'd all but forgotten, and loving me like I never turned my back on Him. That's the amazing thing about God's love; you can't earn it. No matter how much you try to condemn yourself, or call yourself unworthy, He just loves you unconditionally, just as you are. He doesn't say "make yourself perfect, then you can come to me," He says "come to me and I will make you perfect." There's nothing you could do or say to make Him love you any more or less.
Another way that God has brought me restoration is by showing me what my identity really is. I'd always had an underlying feeling that I wasn't good enough, but at the same time was too much for people to actually like me. I'd tried to prove my worth through so many different things; career, relationships, lifestyle... None of it helped. An activity one of our speakers had us do was to make an identity poster by going through magazines and cutting out words and pictures that we felt represented us. Every time I saw a word or phrase that I wished was me I felt the still small voice of God say "cut it out", it turns out the person I've always wished I was was the person He has made me to be!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139
God has made each one of us individually and for a purpose, when we look to find our identity in our Heavenly Father we can be truly satisfied.
It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
Ephesians 1:11-12 MSG
Of course it's something I have to fight to keep, I'm learning more and more here that faith in God, as well as in the healing I've had, is an act of will. I've also learned that with belief in God comes Satan, and that he is real and trying to steal my faith from me whether I want to believe it or not. Spiritual warfare has always seemed like a weird thing to me, but that is exactly how the enemy likes it, that way he can get away with whatever lies he wants me to believe. But he is a defeated enemy, in His death and resurrection Jesus crushed him. He knows his days are numbered and he wants to take as many people as he can down with him. I see all that he stole from me and I am mad about it, I will not allow him to bring me down again. I may not be strong but The One who is within me is, and He promises that He is with me always.
Honestly my heart has been completely captivated by Jesus, and I just want to tell everyone that. I'm not ashamed of Him, but I'm ashamed that I used be ashamed! I know that He forgives me, though, because He is so gracious and merciful. Knowing who God really is has made it so easy to recommit my life to Him, as Peter said, He holds the words of eternal life, where else would I go?
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